Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish i was in the wii world.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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