Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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