So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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