Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
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