the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
