You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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