apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
