this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
