I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
