Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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