I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You are the jesus of drinking
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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