Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
