Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
