This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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