well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
