yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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