Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
