The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
