she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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