I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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