I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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