I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
