I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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