after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
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