i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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