You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
