just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
