Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
BRING THE BAGELS
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
