So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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