There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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