i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
