She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
