I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
