Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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