Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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