What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
