Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just had sex on a roof
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
