Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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