Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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