i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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