Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
