My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
