My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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