You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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