Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
