a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
