So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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