so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
