Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
