Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
