She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize