Someone shit on the floor
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize