Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize