Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
