I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
