you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
