Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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