Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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