david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
